Edge of the Night
by PerhapsPerhapsPerhaps
Summary: Okay guys, you wanted this to be more then a one shot and I am to please! Ana and CG meet where the edge of the night meets the morning...
1. Chapter 1

I am standing on the edge of the night, looking out from the window at The Heathman. The cold Pacific Northwest wind bending the trees so that they resemble puppets without strings; a feeling I remember well and wish to never repeat. I was the tree and Elena was the wind. Elena the woman who dominated me body and soul for years, bending and shaping me into the shell of the man I am today. I adore and despise her with equal measure; she stands for everything good and bad in my life. She is the reason I can afford places like The Heathman in the first place buts she is also the reason I am here alone. Well, one of the reasons anyway.

The warm and cozy surroundings of the overly opulent room do nothing to improve my ever darkening mood. Today is my mother's birthday, September 18th. Not Grace Trevelyan-Grey the woman who saved me and raised me, but my crack whore birth mother. The woman who's weakness was the death of my childhood and the birth of my soulless existence. The birthday of the woman who sold her body by the hour for a crack pipe and cheap bottle of vodka. She would be fifty today, fifty years old… Ella Jane Ramsey. She gave birth to me at the tender age of twenty-two, my father long gone. He was musician on tour leaving her penniless and knocked up for another city. She told me his name once, but I have forgotten. Not that it matters, names are meaningless. She named me Christian after a fucking lion for fucks sake.

I am in Portland for business not pleasure. I spent the day touring the University, deciding which department deserves the esteemed bestowal of my million dollar grant. I am leaning towards the Agriculture Department, feed the world and all that shit but the Science Department is coming up the rear with this water purification solution. Maybe I will just give a million to both. I make a million dollars a day, what's two scattered here or there. Hell maybe I will give some to the dance department too. The highlight of my day was watching the scantily clad modern dancers bending themselves like pretzels. They deserve something for the efforts and my arousal. Hmmm, I've never had a dancer before, something for Elena to look for when choosing the candidates for my next submissive. Think of all the ways I can fasten her to the Saint Andrew's cross, the possibilities are endless.

Fifteen women, fifteen contracts: A nurse, a makeup artist, a painter, a fucking horse trainer. Variety is the spice of life after all, not that I gave a shit what they did for a living, I was more concerned with their hair color and pain threshold. Sadly after a few months I am bored to tears, they want more and I want less. I am such a spoiled bastard. Boredom is a killer of man and soul; it feasts on your energy and ideals. It makes home in your subconscious and no matter what you have it is never enough. Boredom always wants more, and more it shall have.

I am a fickle man by nature and that would have been the case if I was rich or poor, weak or strong. It is as imbedded in my DNA as my grey eyes or copper hair, as much a part of me as my nine inch cock. I am what I am, and I cannot change. Fuck why would I want to change? I have it all really, the American fucking dream. Money, houses, cars, planes, women, sex… well fucking, lots of fucking. My family keeps their distance; my employees respect and fear me. I have it all. Well except for my soul, that is long gone.

It's just after one and something is calling me outside to the night. Maybe its boredom, or this building rage in my belly but I need air, a noise and an energy that is not my own. My security team will hate me I am sure, but I don't give a fuck. This is what I pay them for. Twenty minutes later Taylor is driving me through the streets of Portland, all the streetlights before us green. Even they know I don't like to be kept waiting.

"Sir, where would you like to go?" He shifts in his seat and cracks his neck. I woke him up, oh well.

"I don't know, find me a bar or something. Somewhere I can have a drink and relax."

"The Heathman has a bar sir."

"Yes I am aware. Find me a different bar." The bar at the Heathman at one in the morning is the saddest place on the planet. A brown and green room sprinkled with old men sipping expensive scotch in poorly fitted suits, the stench of cigar smoke and the horrid twang of a mistuned piano in undertrained hands. Maybe there is a pair of young lovers in a corner, drawn to the Heathman for its stately charm, mistaking that for romance. They kiss and touch like teenagers but don't have the heart or balls to really make a moment in a room full of strangers, never knowing the joy of making a woman come quietly in a public place. I need a place with some life, some music with a beat, I need to get lost in a crowd of people, sit back and watch. I need to be reminded what living looks like. "That place we passed near the University. Take me there."

"Sir are you sure that place is a dive." I hate being questioned. If I say something I mean it. The End. I raise my eyebrow, just one and luckily for Taylor that is all it takes. We pull up to the building and I am slightly disappointed, the parking lost is near empty and it looks even sadder the Heathman. I think about abandoning the operation all together but that would mean losing face in front of Taylor and I can't let that happen.

"You can stay here Taylor. I want to be alone for a while." I know he wants to object, from a security stand point this is a mistake. But I highly doubt anyone in this place knows or cares who Christian Grey is and isn't that the point really. I am usually surrounded by hangers-on, sycophants and gold-diggers, people that require a barrier of security. Everyone is looking for something and I find they will beg borrow or steal to get it. I am usually a means to an end. It's not too hard to imagine why I spend my time alone or with contracted subs.

Just as I feared the place is near empty. I am assaulted by the heat and odor first. Its smells of stale beer, old fry oil and saw dust. I am monetarily distracted by the strings of colored twinkle lights strung from the ceiling, every so often a wayward bra draped over them. A fire hazard. I chuckle out loud; I am even responsible and consumed with safety in my 2:00 a.m. thoughts. There is an old man cloaked in flannel and regret half asleep by the bar propped up on a barstool, a few students whispering in a back booth and the bartender. She is an unexpected delight in the dank place.

She is slight, small delicate shoulders, a sharp collar bone heighted by the crisp white lines of her tank top. Her breasts are full and round, pressing out and stretching the thin ribbed fabric, the name of the bar screen printed across them. The bar obstructs the rest of her frame, but I can imagine a small tight waist, the curve of her lush ass and then long lean legs. Her chocolate hair is twisted on top of her head, held in place by a pen, strands filling over her deep blue eyes, the color of the ocean at dusk. I watch for moment as she wipes down the bar, she lacks grace in her movements and she looks somewhat uncomfortable in her surroundings. She can feel me watching her because without reason she lifts her head and she looks me dead in the eye, her mouth drops open a bit and I can see the rise and fall of her chest. Her eyes travel over the length of my body from top to toe. Yeah baby, take it all in… I am a very pretty package. Women are drawn in by the face and the body and they want to stay because of the sex and the bank account. All the things I could do to this girl flash in my head in a Nano second. She bites her lower lip, clearly embarrassed at my lustful glare and my cock twitches. She pulls her eyes away from mine and goes back to the task at hand, wiping down the bar.

I should leave, that is what my head is telling me to leave this poor innocent girl alone. I have no business here in the first place. I turn to leave but then the music changes and Axel Rose's voice fills the space between us, Sweet Child O' Mine… I take that as a sign to stay as I make my way to the bar. I ease off my jacket, flex for my audience of one and sit on a rickety stool.

She's got a smile that it seems to me  
Reminds me of childhood memories  
Where everything  
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky  
Now and then when I see her face  
She takes me away to that  
special place  
And if I stared too long  
I'd probably break down and cry

"Welcome to Do Right's… It's last call… What can I getcha?" He voice is soft and breathy, just what I was expecting it to be. With a shaky hand she places a cocktail napkin in front of me as well as a bowl of peanuts. I reach for it and my hand grazes just slightly over her for an instant and I feel this jolt of energy surge though my body. I know she feels it too because her exposed skin puckers with gooseflesh and then she bites that lip again. It takes every ounce of self-control that Elena taught me years ago not to bend this girl over the bar and fuck her long and hard, without a thought or care to who is watching.

Sweet child o' mine  
Sweet love of mine

"Makers Mark, three fingers, neat." She smiles broadly and nods. I catch a whiff of her hair and inhale deeply. Vanilla, amber and rose, just a hint of rose.

"Coming right up." She swiftly pours my drink and places it on the napkin. She stands there with the bottle in her hand, frozen just looking at me. Her brow is furrowed, her lips tight and for a second I truly believe she is reading my mind, seeing all the darkness that lives there and is silently judging me.

She's got eyes of the bluest skies  
As if they thought of rain  
I hate to look into those eyes  
And see an ounce of pain  
Her hair reminds me  
of a warm safe place  
Where as a child I'd hide  
And pray for the thunder  
And the rain  
To quietly pass me by

"Ana!" The old man yells from the other end of the bar. She jumps at the sound of her name and nearly drops the half full bottle of booze. "Get me another draft would ya honey… then I will be on my merry way." Ana, the name suits her, short and sweet. Ana. It drifts in my head and I imagine how it would sound from my lips the moment before I come.

Sweet child o' mine  
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go  
Where do we go now  
Where do we go  
Sweet child o' min

"You got it Marlo… I will call you a cab." I take a sip of my drink, enjoying the slow burn. I watch her for a few minutes transfixed by her movements. I watch the way she pulls a draft, or how she leans over the bar and pats the old man on the shoulder, how she balances the phone on her shoulder while rinsing out pint glasses, the sway in her hips as she walks across the room and clears off the booth from the students who just left. I was right about her lower half, her ass is a dream and I can't help but imagine the crack of a cane against it as she bends down to tie her loose Converse. A car horn beeps and she stands up straight, the pen falling from her bun to the floor. Her hair unfurls in a flourish and hangs to the middle of her back like a glossy brown curtain.

"Marlo, drink up your cab is here." His drinks the remaining half of his pint in one long sip and shuffles away from the bar. He grabs her in a huge hug and mutters that he will miss her but will see her soon. His dirty old hands on her body is making my stomach turn and I resist the overwhelming urge to beat him within an inch of his life. She chuckles as he pats her ass, coping a feel and thankfully his is gone into the night.

I turn back on my stool not wanting to let her know I was watching and slide my near empty glass on the bar, back and forth between my open hands. I am expecting her to come back behind the bar but instead she starts lifting all the chairs up on to the tables. I watch her in the mirror of the bar until the task is done and then she disappears for a moment and returns with a bucket full of hot soapy water and mop.

"Mister, you almost done there? Like I said last call." She walks behind the bar and flings a towel over her shoulder, crossing her arms against her chest. I reach into my pocket and pull out my wallet, placing two hundred dollar bills on the bar.

"Would you mind poring me another, I will make it worth your while." She eyes the money and shakes her head in disgust. She takes one of the hundreds and turned to the register, placing my change back down at the bar.

"You could buy three bottles with that… there is a liquor store around the corner. If you hurry you can get there before it closes."

"True, but then I would be alone…"

"And you don't want to be alone?"

"Does anyone really?"

"No I guess not. But we don't always get what we want do we?" She reaches behind her and grabs the bottle of Makers Mark pouring me another.

"Buy one for the house… I hate drinking alone too." Grabbing a glass she pours herself a drink and we clink our glasses together. I can't take my eyes off of her, she radiates light and hope and kindness. It's jarring to be around someone so pure. How the fuck did she end up in a place like this?

"I haven't seen you in here before…"

"I am here for business, leaving tomorrow… Back to Seattle."

"I love it there, my friends and I are thinking about moving to Seattle after graduation." There is a glint of hope in her eyes, the prospect of her future exciting her. I am envious, nothing really excites me anymore. Fast cars on slick roads, gliders, small planes, helicopters, sky diving, swimming with sharks… none of it excites me anymore. Even the women I beat and fuck, its BMSD by numbers.

"When do you graduate?"

"June…I can't wait. Kate says…"

"Kate?"

"Oh sorry my roommate… Kate… she says that graduation is a rite of passage… I really don't care for all the pomp and circumstance but I really want the diploma. I will be the first person in my family."

"What are you studying?"

"English… Literature…"

"I see, not much money in Literature is there?"

"Well, no I guess not but I want to go into publishing."

"Do you write?"

"Sometimes, but I am more of a reader. What do you do?"

"I buy things…companies… I build things too…"

"Do you like it?"

"I love it; it's made me a very rich man."

"You love the money but do you love the work?" Her question takes me off guard as I ponder the answer. I love the security and the power my money affords me, the ability to have and do whatever I want is something I need to breathe. It is a base need.

"The work is irrelevant. It's the money that makes it worthwhile. I can buy and have whatever I want. There is security in that."

"You sound like the ultimate consumer." She is challenging me now, an unexpected turn of events.

"That's because I am…"

"You just seem sad to me… sad and bored and lonely. Look, like I said. Last call. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

"Ouch Ana, if I had a heart it would be wounded right now… Sad, bored and lonely. You can see all of that?"

"Can't you just go and buy yourself a heart?"

"Touché…" I lift my glass, drinking the last sip. "Pour me another, I will drink it quickly and be "on my merry way" and then you can go mop your floors." I have enjoyed our banter but I fear I have over played my hand. This wisp of a girl does not have a submissive bone in her body. She pours me a third and final drink, begrudgingly so and takes a twenty of the change on the bar. I am expecting a comeback of some sort, but she leaves me to my drink and goes to work wiping down the sticky floors. Unknowing her body sways in time to the music. I always loved Van Morrison, but watching her rock her body to the haunting beat of Into the Mystic will forever be etched into my memory as one of the few perfect moments of my life. I have to touch her, that is the only thought in my head as I rise off the stool and make my way to her. I slip my hands around her waist, she freezes at my touch but I gently pull her back to my front and to my utter surprise she relaxes against my chest as we sway together. She rests her hands over mine, linking our fingers together, I sink my face into her neck and inhale deeply, wanting the smell of her hair to stay with me forever. I tighten my grip around her and feel her quiver in my arms and then her struggle to break free of my touch. I quickly release her and she spins around facing me, her eyes are full of question and need, of fear and excitement. I have never wanted anything more.

"Ana…" Her chest rises and falls rapidly at the sound of her name from my lips and she takes a step away from me, stumbling over the bucket, sloshing water all over the floor. I grab her before she falls into the wet mess, she hits my body with a thud and because I can't help myself and want to catch her of guard I crash my mouth into hers. She tastes of whiskey and caramel, my tongue explores the new terrain of her mouth and she responds in kind. There is something tentative in her kiss and this moment feels sacred because it will only ever be known to us. I suck on her lower lip that she is so fond of biting and she moans deeply, I feel it reverberate against my chest. "I have to have you Ana… come back with me to my hotel…"

"I… I… can't…go to your hotel."

"Fine, then I will have you right here." I lift her up she squeals in surprise and she wraps her legs around my waist as we stumble back towards the booths. I sit her on the edge of the table top, taking a step back and pull of her sneakers, tossing them over my shoulder. I reach back and pull my sweater over my head, folding it into a make shift pillow and rest it behind her. She watches me with wide eyes, full of disbelief. She is not the kind of girl who does this, for me fucking strangers is an old past time, for her it is a new experience.

"I can't believe I am doing this…"

"Believe it baby because this is going to happen… right here…right now." I ease her tank top over her head and suck on her left breast though the thin silky fabric of her bra. Again she moans loudly and the sound goes to my already enraged cock. My mouth turns to her ignored breast and she fists her hands in my hair, tugging hard when I bite down. I make quick work of the button and zipper of her jeans and lay her back on the table as I tug them off and they are just a memory on the floor. Spreading her legs wide I can smell and see the evidence of her arousal through her heather grey cotton panties. I push them aside and without another thought my mouth finds its intended target, her sweet wet cunt. She bucks and grinds against me, so I pin her hips down with my forearm know that she will feel more if she stays still. I can feel her nub throb under my tongue and know her release is just a lick away. Ana screams out her fingers gripping the ends of the table, shaking and panting through the first orgasm I plan on giving her. I start to suck on her overly sensitized clit and can feel the blood rush back to this small patch of nerves that I will bend to my every whim. She is begging me to stop, but if we had a safe word I know she wouldn't use it. I slide my hands under her ass and raise her hips off the table, stretching her muscles while I continue to suck. She elongates and undulates and then she explodes. I couldn't feel more satisfaction if I came myself. She is breathing heavy muttering oh my god over and over her hands covering her beautiful face. I finally free myself from the confines of my jeans, my cock thanking me for the release as I run my hand over it, the pre-jack offering just the right amount of lubrication. Ana looks down at me though her fingers and her mouth drops open.

"I am going to take you now baby." Before she can answer I pull her by the ankles towards me and rub the tip of my cock against her wet seam before I slowly push my way in. She cries out in pain and I feel how small and tight she really is it is like I can feel her tearing around me and the realization dawns on me. "Ana, you're a virgin aren't you?" She looks up at me, her blue doe eyes full of shame and nods once confirming my fears. I am a piece of shit, here I stand between the legs of an innocent virgin who is laid before me on table in a bar, like a human sacrifice on an altar. The tip of my cock is still inside of her and all I can think about is all it would take is one push and she is mine. "Do you want me to stop?" Of course she does you fucking animal. Pull out and let this poor thing retain a shred of dignity.

"No, I don't…I want this."

"Ana you don't even know my name."

"I know your soul and right now that's all that matters. Please don't stop." The air in the room changes and we are no longer fucking on a table in an empty bar, we could be anywhere in the world, in the fanciest hotel, in a bed made of feathers plucked from angel wings. I cover her body with my own, taking over her mouth with soft sweet kisses and make the final push towards heaven. She moans into my mouth, her nails digging into my back through the cotton of my tee-shirt. Just her touching me there is enough to unman me; I have to focus my thoughts and energy to not come. I ease in and out of her, stunned by how tightly she clenches to keep me inside.

"Ana… you are so tight and wet… fuck…" I pick up my pace, her hips meeting mine thrust for thrust, my balls feel like they are in a vice grip in the splendid moment right before I come. Her walls start the fall from grace as she pulses around me, the force of her pleasure is overwhelming and never ending as I explodes inside of her, even though I had planned to pull out and come on her tight belly but nothing about this has gone as planned. I am embarrassed by the sound that emanates from my chest as the last wave of my orgasm flows though my body. I feel her gush around me, as I pull out and all I can think about is fucking her again.

She lays there panting, her hair fanned out against the grey table top, a sheen of sweat across her body, the amalgamation of our passion coating her thighs. Her breasts are pink and swollen; I reach out and roll her nipples peeking out from her bra between my fingers, relishing the feel of them. I want to absorb every second of this moment. Ana begins to giggle, still in disbelief and then like a bolt of lightning the brevity of the moment hits her and regret takes over. She clamors off the table and begins the frantic hunt for her clothing, dressing in haste. I pull up and zip up, watching every emotion flash across her face.

"Ana, relax."

"You need to go…" I reach out to touch her, to sooth her but pushes my hands away and practically runs barefoot behind the bar, feeling safe there. "Please, just go… this was… I don't even know what to say about what happened here. But is over now and you need to leave."

"I understand… I'm sorry, I know that is meaningless but…"

"Don't be sorry, its fine. I had to lose it sometime right, better to a perfect stranger that knows what he is doing then some dumb clueless guy at a frat party. Anyway… were closed now. So…"

"Of course." I gather my things, leaving the money on the bar hoping she does not feel like it is payment for services rendered and begin my walk of shame out of the bar. I look over my shoulder and see that she is moments away from tears. I have never felt so low in the entirety of my life and that is saying a lot. "My name is Christian by the way… named after a lion…"

I push the door open and my breath is taken away by the wind, I can her whimper before the door closes behind me and I know that I do in fact have a heart because the sound of her sadness causes it to shatter in my chest. Taylor greets me with his usual nod of the head and opens the car door. We pull off and the bar becomes a blur behind me as we drive off into the place where the edge of the night meets the morning light.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello all! I had not planned to do another chapter for this story but the response from chapter one was overwhelmingly positive with over 100 reviews requesting me to keep going. So for that reason alone I have decided to do another chapter. I will make you guys a deal, you keep reviewing and I will keep writing. I can not wait to hear what you guys think about the twist at end! Thank you for all your support of this would be one shot!

XOXO PPP

* * *

CHAPTER 2:

As we drove back to the Heathman I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness and regret unlike anything I had ever experienced before. A pain deep in my chest that made me catch my breath every time I thought of her, which was every second and every mile that I was lead further and further away from Ana, my Ana. I couldn't keep my eyes off the road behind us. When we first pulled off I half hope to see her running out after me. Stupid I know. Why would she run after the man who fucked in her a bar, taking her virginity no less.

Every red light stopped us on the way as if fate was willing me to turn and go back. Every fiber of my being was willing to that place but I ignored the feeling of longing that pulled me to Ana; I pushed it back like I do must emotions because true emotions make you weak and vulnerable. I made myself a promise long ago that I would never be weak again. I equated the chill that ran through my body to the cold night air and nothing more. I would not even allow the idea of fear to creep into my conscious; it was the night air that made me shiver. If you tell yourself a lie long enough it will become truth, one of Elena's tried and true statements.

Taylor looked at me with concern in his eyes he asked me twice if I was alright and then he asked if I left something behind at the bar. Annoyed by his interference I asked him why thought that and his answer was simple.

"Well Sir, you keep looking backwards…"

* * *

I got back to my empty room at the Heathman and poured myself a drink. I knew there would be no sleep for me tonight so stripped out of my clothes and made my way to the bathroom. I stood naked in the mirror, unable to meet my own eyes in the reflection. Instead I focused on my chest and I counted the scars that stretch across my flesh like stars in the night sky. I had a sub tell me once that they reminded her of Cassiopeia; the stars of vanity. Even the stars have Alphas and Betas; nature has a way of balance in all things. Leila was a sweet silly soul, an artist and a lover of music. She had few limits and even the ones she did have were soft, everything was negotiable. She reached out to touch me, her fingers just grazing over the deepest scar over my heart. I recoiled out of reflex and anger, she broke the most important rule in our contract and I terminated our arrangement right there and then. At first she thought I was kidding, her deep brown eyes wide with shock and fear when I demanded that she leave. The last sounds I heard from her were whimpers not unlike Ana's, I have that effect on women.

My mind is fixed on Ana, it has been almost an hour since I left her there and I can't help but wonder what has become of her in the aftermath of well - me. Was she still there at the bar barefoot, shaken and crying? My hope is that her sadness has turned to anger fueling her to get over what happened. Did she go home and race to the shower to rid her of me the way I so needed to rid myself of her? I can hear her voice in my head and it soothes and tortures me at the same time.

_"You just seem sad to me… sad and bored and lonely."_

_"I know your soul and right now that's all that matters. Please don't stop."_

I stepped into the large marble encased shower eager to eradicate my body of her sweet remnants and move on from this night, eager to purge her from my mind. How is it possible that in a few short minutes this girl has been able to get inside of my head like this? I just don't understand it. Is she beautiful? Yes she is but all of the women I have fucked over the years have been beautiful. She was sweet and kind, honest and forthright but if I am being honest I was drawn to her even before I sat down at the bar. And when I touched her for the first time over a bowl of peanuts I felt like I had been struck by the hand of god himself.

I let the hot water beat down on me, washing her down the drain and I make a silent promise that when I step out of the shower I won't allow myself to think of her again, my heart is another thing all together. Out of reflex I run my hand over my cock, still feeling Ana pulsing around me. I could smell her on my skin and taste her on my lips. I could hear her sweet moans as she came beneath me and then her whimpers as I walked away. As I come I realize that I will forever be looking backwards thinking of this moment, and that I have no control of myself when it comes to Ana.

I should have turned around and wrapped her in my arms. I should have never left her there to cry alone, lost and bereft, probably feeling worthless and empty. I know that feeling, after many a brutal session with Elena, whose goal was to make me feel worthless to everyone but her. I would often promise myself that this was the last time but I would find myself back at her door looking for more. I needed it to feel alive and to feel safe and to feel managed. It was all that I ever knew.

I didn't want that for Ana, I knew she would easily become my addiction and that I would become hers. I knew how chasing what we felt in those moments when we came would supersede her self-respect and value and she deserved better then the eventually of becoming my sub. That is all I could have offered her. The weekends in my playroom getting beaten and fucked, a new car, a new wardrobe, a few emotional scars and then I would send her on her merry way like all the others. It was the right choice leaving it was the only choice.

* * *

All these months I have stayed away from her, I thought by now that the need for her would dissipate but it has only grown stronger. I would not allow myself to find out her last name, or where she lived. Just knowing her name was Ana was torture enough. I fought the battle every day for weeks on end picking up the phone to call my top security guy Welsh only to slam the phone down in anger in frustration. With one word I could have a file with her entire life story at my fingertips but I knew that more I knew the less I would be able to resist her. I couldn't let Ana take root inside of me because it would grow and take me over. She would wrap herself around my heart, seep into my veins and maybe even my soul. It is not lost on me that she already has done all of those things from a distance but I cannot image what it would feel like if she was before me.

The nights are the hardest part of my days. I have never been a good sleeper; night terrors have always taunted me. I wander the apartment and I wonder if she there at bar. I wonder if our songs every play on the juke box and if she thinks of me. I wonder what she thinks and what she feels about that night. I wonder if she hates me. I wonder if misses me. I can smell her hair and her skin as I sit at my piano playing our song over and over again. How many times I have wanted to go back to that bar and find her there pouring beers and swaying to the music. But I don't because for all the damage Elena did she gave me one very precious gift. Control.

_…I don't have to fear it_

_I want to rock your gypsy soul_

_Just like way back in the days of old_

_And together we will float into the mystic_

_Come on girl..._

_Too late to stop now…_

As boy I was devoid of control, I acted and reacted without thought or an emotion that was not laced and tainted with anger. I went from moment to moment resting right on the edge of my sanity. I could see myself falling or jumping off the edge at any moment and I liked the feeling of not fearing the inevitable. The inarguable fact that I would one day turn out like my parents, drug addicted losers with not care for anyone or anything but themselves. At fifteen I had already found that alcohol not only hampered my feelings of self-hate but accelerated my fearless nature. I could not be touched by loving hands but willing sought out fights, looking for the release that only receiving pain and causing could offer. Elena entered my life at the precipice of my impending spiral. She saw me for what I was and knew what I needed and she gave it to me over and over and over again. And when I was done and my needs grew I gave it to her.

Ana was already becoming an obsession; she was always a faint melody in the back of my mind. I stupidly agreed to officiate the graduation at her university so I could "accidently" run into her, deluding myself that I was doing it because I am a benefactor. Fuck I even agreed to do a stupid interview for the school paper in the misguided hope that she might see it and come looking for me. I keep imagining this moment where Andrea lets me know that a girl named Ana is here to see me. The door to my office opens and she appears breathless in my doorway a small smile on her face as she walks towards me. I know that will never happen but in the night those are the thoughts that pass through my mind. I have imagined her everywhere and nowhere. I hope that she thinks about me and then again I almost hope that she doesn't. I hope I am long forgotten bad memory, a mistake that she learned from but moved on from. It's funny that I want Ana to move on even thought I can't.

"Mr. Grey, Elena Lincoln is here to see you." I sit back in my chair and take a moment before I answer.

"Send her in." She appears in my door way, looking like a shadow. Cloaked in black from herd toe, the only color her pale golden hair and deep red lips. I have mixed emotions when it comes to her place and purpose in my life. We are business partners with a dark shared history that I know she longs to rekindle. I find it easier to manager her up close than at a distance and she provides me with my subs without fear of exposure.

"Christian Darling." She smiles and saunters into the room. I stand to greet her and she air kisses both of my cheeks careful not to touch me. She smells of wine, white flowers and musk. "It is so good to see you in the flesh. Your emails have been making me crazy." I have a new sub coming to night to break in the renovated play room. I made Elena crazy with my specifications for this particular sub. Every detail had to be as close to perfect as possible. I turned at least twenty girls away, too tall, to thin, brown eyes, short hair. Finding Alyssa was miracle. She was as close to Ana as I would ever get again and that had to be enough. After months of trolling bars in the hopes of finding a girl just like Ana, night after night fucking poor man's version of Ana in backrooms, bathrooms and storage closets hoping to feel what I felt with her that night and coming up empty, I realized that I needed more control.

"I have been busy Elena, you know how it is." I gesture for her to sit down and she does it in such a way that I know something is coming. "Okay, what's going on?" Her eyes go wide for a moment and then she smiles submitting to the inevitability.

"I am worried about you, so is Grace." I cringe at the sound of my mother's name coming out of Elena's mouth. Over the years I have been able to justify my relationship with Elena, hell I even am grateful for it, as much as it damaged me it also made me who I am today. But I have always felt shitty about mother and how gutted she would be if she ever found out about Elena and me. "You have been so distant and removed from your family for months."

"This is really none of your concern."

"If it concerns you then it concerns me Christian. You have not been yourself and then all of this nonsense finding a perfect sub…"

"Speaking of my sub?"

"She is ready to go when you are…Christian please let's just talk for a moment…"

"Tonight Elena, Escala. And there is nothing to talk about, I am fine. My family is my business not yours and you would be best served sticking to what you know, subs and blow outs. Are we clear?"

"Crystal…SIR." Annoyed, she stands quickly and turns on her heel slamming the door to my office behind her. It is a relief when she is gone bit her lingering stench still fills my office.

"Andrea, Mrs. Lincoln is no longer allowed to make appointments unless you clear them with me first."

"Yes, Mr. Grey."

* * *

I stood in my playroom like a kid on Christmas morning, full of reckless anticipation of what was to come. It took longer then I wanted but it had to be perfect. I thought about it for a while before I actually made the decision. I tried to talk myself out of it more than once but if I can't have her I **will** have this. What I have done is crazy by normal man's standards. Fuck it's even crazy by my standards but I could not be deterred. The contractor looked at me like I was crazy asking him to take half of the playroom away and build a bar there in its place. He was known far and wide for his discretion in building playrooms for the rich and famous that was into the scene. My playroom was one of his most extensive projects and he couldn't understand why I would want to change it.

I pulled on every memory I possessed of that night, every detail on the place from the bottles of booze lined up on the shelves, the paint on the walls, the Formica of the table tops. I searched high and low for just the right juke box that only played two songs. The bar itself had to be the right height and color, the Christmas lights hung from the ceiling just so, the saw dust scattered the floor and the taps were filled with beer that would probably never be drunk. I even loosed a few screws on my barstool so it was rickety. Even after all of that it lacked authenticity. It was the smell that was missing, the smell of age and decay, the smell of fried food and broken dreams. The smell of amber, vanilla and hint of rose.

Alyssa walked into the playroom. Her head was down and her rich brown hair braided over one shoulder, her blue eyes never leaving the floor just how I like it. Our contracts were signed, she knew what I was looking for, my limits were very clear. She stripped down to her panties and knelt on the floor, I was impressed by her slow rhythmic breathing and smooth perfect lines of her toned frame. "Alyssa, I have laid out some clothing for you to put on. When I get back I expect you to be behind the bar dressed and ready to go." She nods once because I have not given her permission to speak "You have ten minutes." I turn on my heel and walk back to my bedroom. I strip and even though it is June I pull on my cable knit sweater, leather jacket and jeans that I wore that night. They have been washed over and over again and they no longer smell like Ana. I pad back to the play room and as I open the door I hear it like a siren call.

She's got a smile that it seems to me  
Reminds me of childhood memories  
Where everything  
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

I see Alyssa standing behind the bar in tight jeans and a white ribbed tank top, her hair is piled on the top of her head secured with a black Bic pen and she wiping down the brand new bar with a rag. She smiles when she sees me in the door way, her chest rising and falling more rapidly with anticipation. There is bucket in the middle of the floor full of hot soapy water, and the air fills with a slightly antiseptic smell.

Now and then when I see her face  
She takes me away to that  
special place  
And if I stared too long  
I'd probably break down and cry

This pain starts in my chest and I feel lost. Hopelessly lost and I only have myself to blame. For the first time I can remember I actually want to cry. I close the door disgusted with myself and make my way to the elevator. In search of something I will never find.

I drive for hours, mostly in circles. I fight the urge to go to her. It consumes me like the night takes over the day and I rage against it with everything that I am and everything that I will ever be. Ana was an innocent and all I brought to her was shame and sadness and we only spent a few moments together. What would I subject her to if I did find her? The levels of pain and debasement were as endless the sky is wide. I never wanted to be a regular man before now, but I wanted to be regular for Ana. I have always embraced my past and my pain; I embraced what made me different and dark because it gave me power. And power is what I crave more love or sex, even more then money. Although money is a conduit to power. There is only one thing I know for sure - that if Ana was in my life and mine I would be rendered powerless.

I turn back towards Escala and am pleased to find that Alyssa is right where I left her. The water in the bucket is cold as is Alyssa's mood but she thinks this was all part of the scene and it doesn't take to long for me to warm her up.

* * *

"Mr. Grey. There is a Miss Katherine Kavanagh here to see you." I am regretting this interview already. I agreed for the wrong reason and now I have to sit here for the next twenty minutes being peppered with asinine questions by some over privileged debutant. She has been at me for months like a dog with a bone and had she not been from the university I would have never agreed. I simply don't give interviews. I see no value in the public knowing more about me then absolutely necessary. Mystery breeds fear and fear keep people at their distance.

Miss. Kavanagh walks into my office ready to do battle. She is dressed sharply in a well fitted back suit, the skirt is shorter then it should be but her legs are long and lovely. She is wearing a silk shirt the color of fresh peaches; it brings out the color of her long strawberry blond hair and makes her green eyes shimmer. She is very pretty and she knows it, she has the air of a girl who has always gotten her way and agreeing to this interview just reinforced her belief.

"Hello Mr. Grey, it is a pleasure to meet you." She leans in and shakes my hand and something about her smells familiar as my cock hardens. She is not usually my type, not even in the slightest. For starters this girl is a Domme in the making, she oozes sex and power, control and a desire for submission. I will take pleasure in unnerving her today.

"The pleasure is all mine Miss. Kavanagh. Please have a seat." I motion to the couches instead of the my desk like I had originally planned and I can see she is taken aback when I rest my hand at the small of her back and lead her where I want her to go. She sits and crosses her legs, reaching in her bag and pulls out a recorder. She looks up at me with coquettish eyes and a sly smile.

"I hope you don't mind if I record the interview." It's a statement not a question, not only is she an alpha but she is also a manipulator and I respect her for both traits. I sit in the chair beside her and unbutton my jacket, I allow my legs to ease open and I catch her checking out my cock. Yeah baby, it's a nice cock take your fill.

"Of course not. I am a lot to take all at once so I understand completely." She blushes just a bit and I know she got the double meaning of my words. She takes out a leather bound note book and a gold pen and eases back into the sofa, her skirts raises up her thigh and she makes no move to correct it. Her skin is taught and tanned and perfect and she knows it. Bearing her flesh to me is her attempt to regain some power. It's a nice try if I was just a college boy looking to get laid but it means nothing to me. I look at my watch with annoyance.

"I have another meeting so…" The shock spreads across her face and I can see that I have flustered her as she hits the record button. She tugs on her skirt bringing it back down to a more respectable place on her thigh takes a deep breath and begins.

"You are very young, not yet thirty and yet you have amassed quite an empire in an unstable economy. What do you attribute that to?" Hmmm, it was a better question then I was expecting. I crack my neck slightly and for a moment I picture her bent over my desk naked from the waist down, a ball gag in her mouth.

"Well, business at its core is about people Miss. Kavanagh. I am a very good judge of people, their character, their abilities and most importantly their ineptitudes. I push people to their limits and beyond. I figure out what drives them, what inspires them and use that to my advantage." She writes furiously in her notebook, not what I am saying she has the recorder, she is writing down her impression of me and for a moment I feel like I am sitting in Flynn's office in a therapy session. "You for example…" Her head shoots up and her eyes meet mine as she presses her thighs together. "I normally don't give interviews, you knew this but you still relentlessly pursued the interview. For six months my PR team complained about this annoying Katherine Kavanagh and I had to see for myself what the fuss was about and here you are. If you were my employee I would make sure your position utilized your unique skill set to its fullest. Though I can't understand why you are perusing journalism when you are much better suited for corporate law."

"Well, I have always loved journalism; finding a seed of a story and putting in the leg work and research to make it grow. I had thought about law but this felt like a better fit."

"You're making a mistake." She furrows her brow in question and I can't help myself but to answer. "To achieve extreme success you must become a master of not only yourself but the scheme in which to work. You must know every detail inside and out, every cog in every wheel. You must be willing to work 24/7 without thought to anything else. You will never be a master in your field Miss. Kavanagh, not because you aren't good enough but because you are capable of more and will always be left wanting and searching for fulfillment. It will become a hunger you can't satiate and in that you will become lost and complacent. I knew within ten seconds of meeting you that you liked power and control, that is something you will never obtain in your current vocation."

"You knew all of that in ten seconds?"

"Yes. I have a natural gut instinct and I can spot one of my own from a mile away."

"You sound arrogant Mr. Grey, you don't find that trait gets in the way?"

"Look around you Miss. Kavanagh does it look like my arrogance gets in the way? Her eyes wander around my office and settle on my Trouton paintings. She points at them and my eye line follows hers."

"I see a beautifully appointed man in a beautifully appointed office, from your choice of art work you like double meanings. The subjects are mundane at best but they have a greater meaning to you, do they not? A lighter, a chair, a cup of coffee, an ashtray, two empty bottles…" She is more clever then I even imagined and lean back and cross my legs to give the appearance of indifference but I am shocked that she as surmised as much from my paintings. "Even now you are saying one thing to but meaning another. Are you testing me and my limits right now or are you simply trying to distract me Mr. Grey?"

"Both Miss Kavanagh." She smiles and quickly scribbles something in her book. "Next question." She uncrosses her leg and sets her book down on the coffee table and leans into the corner of the sofa arm, leaning closer towards me.

"Are you gay?" Well she has balls, that is for damn sure and her question makes mine tighten. In general I like my women submissive and this woman is anything but, I will even say she reminds me of Elena. I always took great pleasure when Elena would submit to me completely. Katherine is someone I could teach and train, someone who could learn, she would also be a challenge which is something I have lacked for quite some time. Everything comes so easily now. I sit there silently for a moment running my finger over my bottom lip deciding which direction to take this. I know I could fuck her right here, right now if I wanted to, she is giving me all the signals of desire. Our gaze is locked and she raises as eyebrow challenging me and in that one small move my decision is made.

She jumps at the sound of her cell phone ringing in her bag and the moment is broken. "Sorry I have to take this." I nod slightly annoyed and she digs in her bag and pulls out her phone.

"Hi Jose… Oh my god… right now…Five minutes apart… I don't know if I can make it in time I am in Seattle…Yes…okay… yes… I am leaving right now… you tell our girl to hold on until I get there…yes… I said I am leaving right now… okay… bye…" She looks at me with a broad smile and begins to collect her things.

"I am so sorry Mr. Grey but I have to go, my best friend is having a baby like right now. I am her coach so I have got to get out of here. Um, I really didn't get much of an interview but…I have to go… maybe another time."

"Yes, perhaps. I will be at your graduation next week."

"That will be too late for the paper." Her cell phone rings again and she answers it quickly. "Steele… yes I told Jose I am leaving right now. I know… don't cry… I know it hurts…I know you're scared but you can do this. Just breathe like we did in class, in and out." She puts her hand over the phone and mouths that she has to go; I nod and stand walking her out the door. It was for the best, fucking her would have only complicated things. She would have been a fly caught in my web. It's a shame I had to dismiss Alyssa so soon because my cock is hard as stone from this little tete-a-tete and I could use a release. I think about calling Elena and see if she is up for a night out in the club but I think better of it and call Claude my trainer instead.

* * *

The university is packed with young faces eager to begin their lives, I find myself lost and out of place in the sea of them and I am grateful that I have asked my brother Elliott to tag along. Elena was right I had been pushing my family further and further away and it really served no purpose. Again, people are easier to manager when you keep them close. Elliott is man without worries, he loves his life and enjoys it without control and he seems to be happy. I brought him today because he has a way of putting people at ease and maybe it would work with Ana. He could crack some stupid joke and break the ice if I were to see here today. I try to tell myself that I am not looking for Ana but every brunette I see makes my stomach lurch. I see Katherine Kavanagh off in the distance, she smiles and waves.

"Who is that Bro?" Elliott asks while knocking me in the shoulder. He fucking knows I hate to be touched but he does it anyway.

"Katherine Kavanagh, she interviewed me last week."

"She is hot and she is coming this way. You fuck her?" I give him my impassive glare and he seems to get the message. "Ah that's right, you are like Morrissey. I keep forgetting.

"Hello Mr. Grey nice to see you again."

"Miss. Kavanagh. Congratulations, I understand you are the valedictorian."

"Yes, the master of my class." It's a dig but it is also well deserved and I take it in stride. Elliott clears his throat from behind me a not so subtle gesture that he wants to me introduced.

"This is my younger brother Elliott, Elliott this is Katherine."

"Katie, you can call me Katie." The shake hands and I can see something transpire between the two of them, an exchange of power and energy. And for a brief moment I envied them both because I could tell they were at the beginning of something.

"How is your friend?"

"Um…What?" She can't bring self to pull her eyes away from Elliott and he is holding on to her hand for dear life. "Oh, the baby you mean? She is really good. It was eighteen hours of pushing but she had a healthy baby boy and I am a very proud god-mother."

"Lucky kid." She blushes under Elliott's praise and I actually see her swoon.

"I am sorry that your interview didn't make the paper, I just didn't have enough to write about, all those months of pursuing you for nothing."

"Maybe another time, I am sure you will find a job at a paper soon enough. Call my office when you do." What the fuck am I saying? Jesus Christ. Katherine and Elliott gaze at each other with big happy eyes and I actually feel hate for them. I excuse myself from their presence with a fake graduation duty but really I am off to search for Ana. I looked in the program for her name but there was nothing concrete. There were two possibilities an Anna-Leigh Baker and Anna Cheng, neither felt right and I began to wonder what became of Ana and her hope of being the first person in her family to graduate. I wonder around for a bit and deep down in my soul I know that she is not here. I don't feel the pull of Ana in my presence. I sat through the four hour ceremony, handed out over two hundred diplomas and at the end of it all Ana was nowhere to be seen proving my gut instinct correct.

I had to let this go. I had to forget and move on. I had to terminate the idea of her in my mind.


	3. Chapter 3

When I started writing this one shot a few months back I never expected the response that I received. It was an idea in my head that I wanted to put on paper and I am so glad I did. Your reviews of this story have been amazing and so inspiring. Thank you so very much. I am thrilled that you are enjoying this AU world.

I have a Pinterest page for this story so you can follow me there perhapsx3 or on Tumblr perhapsperhapsperhaps50 for links and story updates.

So like I said last time, you guys keep reviewing and I will keep writing. The last chapter got 150+ reviews, i have never had a story get a response like that so thank you again and again.

The song for this chapter is Can't help falling in love with you covered by Ingrid Michaelson. I suggest you listen while reading. I have the link on my Pinterest or you can youtube it!

Thank you all again! XOXO PPP

* * *

Chapter 3:

I am hanging upside down in the doorway of my Tokyo hotel room, my ankles bound by buckles and thick black straps. The blood rushes to my head and my ears begin to pound. Over and over I twist and contort my body, using every muscle I possess to rise and fall until the sweat drips down on to the floor beneath me. I grunt and crunch until my core burns on fire. I lose count after a hundred and just keep going for as long and hard as I can, until everything fades away and my memories turn black. I can get lost in pain and blackness, it is my home. It is where I live. It is where I am most comfortable and where I belong. To have everything and have nothing is my penance, my hell on earth and I know I have earned it.

There is a blonde sleeping in my bed. Rebecca something or other. I picked her up in the hotel bar a few hours before. Blondes are my new brunettes, after a hundred foolish attempts to find Ana in every brown haired woman who crossed my path I gave up all together and focused my attentions elsewhere. This one is older, reminiscent of Elena only without the malicious intent. She tasted like cheap white wine and cigarettes. She couldn't carry a conversation to save her life. I really didn't care. I fucked her for hours, she came – I did not. I don't think she even noticed.

I release myself from bondage and land with my feet on the floor. The sun is just starting to rise as I pull on my swim trunks, grab a towel and out to my personal lap pool. I hope she is gone by the time I get back. Taylor is already awake; I can hear him doing pushups as I pass the door to his bedroom. He will deal with her like he does all the rest. It's been hard on my team with all my traveling, he and Sawyer take turns with Ryan and Prescott following me around Asia. I have been unbearable and am often surprised that they don't up and quit but then I remember how much I pay them.

I swim in the crisp cool water, lap after lap and after a while my mind goes to its safe place and there is only one word to describe it - bliss. All I see in these moments is Ana swaying her hips and I am at peace. I hear the memory of her laugh and the soft moans as he body moves beneath mine. There is lingering smell of her hair and how soft it feels against my face as I tuck my head into the back of her neck.

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real that it was enough to carry you through your darkest days? Or an experience that was so surreal and perfect that you wonder if maybe it was only a dream. Time passes, days and weeks and years and your memory starts to fade a bit around the edges. The line between your reality and your memory of reality blurs, the scope changes and everything gets really small and far away. I dream of Ana all the time and I wake up not sure if the dreams are real or if I am. I have been counting my life in the matter time spent apart from her ever since I walked out of that bar leaving her in my wake. Nearly three years ago I made the worst mistake of my life and now there is really nothing I can do to fix it. She is lost to me in every way possible and deep down I know it is for the best. I know that I would have been the worst thing possible for her and in those three years in we would have long been over, I would have gotten bored and restless, I would have sent her on her merry way like the others. But I can't help but hear the gnawing voice in the back of my head telling me that she could have been forever.

_"I know your soul and that is all that matters."_

Her voice is my conscience, or what I remember of it. I wish I could hear it again even just for a minute, just a few words to remind me what she truly sounds like. That would last me for a few more years at least. I think about her more then I should, it is a daily need like breathing air or drinking water. I allow myself a few moments in a morning and a few at night and for the rest of the day I use focus and discipline to keep her voice at bay. It is only now with the soothing water around me and all my energy being used to propel myself through it do I allow myself the frivolity of unabashed thoughts of Ana.

Distraction has been the name of the game; work, women, a bottle of whisky. Fuck I took up race car driving to my mother's dismay and I try to spend as much time out of the Continental US as possible. I have run for the greater part of these years, finding any excuse to leave the country for a month or more at a time for "business". I have found myself in more hotel rooms with strangers in my bed then I care to admit. My family has felt my disconnect, my mother the most of all. She calls me all the time, I never return her calls. There really is no point, everyone is alive and well. I am fine. Why sit around a table and talk about how great everyone is? I don't have the time or the inclination. My parents are still mad for one another after three decades, my sister is in love with Europe, my brother is engaged to a girl I almost fucked once and I am alone. I am acutely aware of this fact when I spend any time with them, so I refrain for everyone's sake.

When the invitation came for my brother engagement party my first instinct was to throw it away unopened. I could not bear the thought of standing in the middle of a party surrounded by people I loathe and love, drinking champagne and toasting the happy couple. It was all I could take for the yearly charity events and that was a good cause. I had planned on just writing them a big fat check and calling it done. I held the envelope in my hand but something kept me from tossing it in the waste basket. I pulled out my silver letter opener and ripped through the envelope and a note from my mother was right on top insisting that I come or surrender my surname. She hit me right where it hurt, my name. I had my assistant RSVP with a yes and for the next month I hated myself for being such a pussy when it came to my mother.

We left for Seattle as the sun set over the Tokyo skyline, the Tokyo Tower sat in the middle like a stiff cock jetting out of the city, it glowing like a purple Eiffel Tower. The sky was violet, a deep hazy purple and a shocking glow of blood orange. Dark black clouds stretched along the sky as we ascended and I silently hoped that they would swallow us up. Sadly nine hours later we landed at Sea-tac, and I traveled 16 hours back in time. If only I could travel three years back in time I would do everything differently.

I walk into Escala for the first time is over three weeks and no matter how long I have lived here this place will never feel like home to me, it is a hotel room that I just happen to own. Gail is up and in the kitchen making a pot of coffee. She smiles and greets Taylor with a smile and peck on the cheek, even my staff has love in their life. She makes us breakfast, eggs and bacon, juice and toast and we silently eat together. She does not ask about the trip or the city, she simply sips her coffee and watched over us as if we were children.

"Mrs. Jones?" I break the silence and Taylor looks up over his juice, I never talk to Gail unless it is really necessary.

"Yes Mr. Grey."

"Do you miss Taylor when he is gone?" She looks at me and narrows her eyes, then she looks at Taylor and back to me.

"Of course I do. Three weeks is a very long time."

"Why do you miss him?"

"Why do I miss him?" She sounds like I have asked her the stupidest question and rests her coffee cup down on the marble counter. I nod once urging her to go on. "Because I love him." Her answer makes my stomach churn and my heart ache. Fuck. I drop my fork onto my place with a loud clang and Gail jumps at the sound.

"I see. You both have the next two weeks off, go do whatever you wish, take the jet if need be." I rise from the bar stool and walk away to their shocked faces and thank yous. I find refuge in my bedroom and my mind races with thoughts of Ana. Is it possible to love someone you knew for only an hour? Is it possible to miss someone so much that you cease to exist until you see them again? Is it possible to love a stranger more then you love yourself?

* * *

My parents' house is everyone's fucking wet dream, its sits on a few acres land right on the sound. The house is set back, a large white structure that would be intimidating if not for my mother warming touch. The grass is a lush green, cut perfectly in long straight bisecting lines like a baseball field. Mother has spent over a decade brining in trees and flowers so that it mimics the structure and wild captivity of an English garden. Wild Captivity…

I have been avoiding this place for the better part of the year and now here I am pulling into the driveway. Sawyer opens the car door and follows me to the threshold. He hates this shit as much as I do and for a party like this I allow him to stay in the car. I can already hear the band playing, the gentle touch of the piano and the soft shrill of strings and mixing with a woman's soothing soprano and the laughter of the guests drifting in the air. My muscles clench in response and I wish I could go back to the city, where the noise of horns and chaos drowns out my thoughts. I take a deep breath as I cross over it and put on my game face. It is Mia I see first. She flew in from Europe just for the party. She flies at me with the speed of light, a whirling dervish of pink chiffon and the familiar scent that is Mia, Jean Patou's Joy. She wraps her arms around me and I fight the urge to recoil and embrace her tightly. She is the first person to touch me like this for months, maybe even longer and for a brief moment I allow myself to relax in my baby sister's small bird like arms.

"I am so glad you are here Christian, I wasn't sure if you would come." I can sense the sadness in her voice; it mixes with her youthful inexperience and her motherly concern for me. She releases me and straightens my tie, which was perfectly straight already.

"Mom left me no choice when she told me you would be here." She beamed under my praise and it hit me that my sister is the only women in my life who I have even been able to make happy. All she ever wanted from me was honesty and attention. "If you were flying in for the occasion, I had to as well."

She frowns slightly and links her arms with mine.

"Come on outside, everyone is waiting for you…" I allow her to pull me out the French doors leading to the large covered veranda. The wisteria is in full bloom and the smell reminds me of my childhood, running around the yard on circles watching the clouds dance in the sky. The party is in full swing and it looks like a movie, men and women dressed in pale party dresses men in linen suits, children running around laughing like I once did.

I greet my parents and allow my mother to give me a kiss, this seems to appease her and that is the goal for the day. She asks her usual questions and I give her my usual answers. My father talks to me about stocks and business but I can tell there is more he wants to say. I am here, that should be enough but I know it is not. My family wants more of me, more of my time, more dinners, more birthdays and all I want is less. If not for my company I would have left a long time ago.

"Where are the bride and Groom to be?" I want to greet Elliott and Katherine as quickly as possible; the sooner they see me the sooner I can leave. The sooner I can be alone and plan my next business trip.

"They're down at the boat house with some friends having engagement photos taken… why don't you go join them, darling."

Mia and I make the patronage down the curing path to the boat house, she teeters on her four inch heels and grabs on to my forearm for support. I will never understand the shoes women wear on the pavement that are meant for the bedroom. She knows me well enough to not ask any questions, so she yammers on about her flight and her life in Europe. My phone rings startling us both.

"I have to take this… I will meet you down there." Her brow furrows but she nods and releases my arm cautiously making walking the rest of the way until she is out of sight.

It's Roz my VP letting me know a deal that we have worked six months on and six hundred man hours is falling apart at the seams and she needs me in the office. This deal is integral to the five your plan I have in place for GH and it cannot fail. While I am pissed at her intrusion and the millions of dollars blowing in the wind, I near gleeful that I have a valid excuse to leave.

I take a deep breath and look down the long path of birch trees that lead to the boat house, the light filters through them and I am drawn in down the path instead of turning back and making my excuses to my mother. I am drawn to the sounds of laughter and happiness and the crowd of family and strangers off in the distance. I come up to the clearing and am greeted by a small boy no more than two or three. He looks up at me and smiles with has his arms extended swirling around the yard making airplane noises. Every so often he stops and shakes his head - dizzy, he giggles and then starts all over again. With my arms crossed against my chest I can't help but chuckle in his presence with only fuels him to spin faster. He reminds me of me when I was that age. Only not covered in scars that look like stars.

He runs off towards the crowd and then I see her standing there with her back to me. Her brown hair is twisted up on her head in a neat bun. The sun pours through the thin cotton fabric of her dress illuminating her familiar figure and my heart and body reacts to her presence before my mind has a chance to catch up. I can't see her face, or hear her as she talks to Katherine but I know just from the silhouette of her body that it is Ana.

My body starts to hum like a tuning fork just from being in her manifestation; she is an oasis in the desert. Despite the heat of the day she runs her hands over her bare arms, and I can't see from this far distance but I know her skin is covered on gooseflesh, she can feel me too. I can't believe that she is here… in this place…after all this time. The little boy runs up her tugging on the hem of her skirt, calling her mommy and she lifts him up on her hip as he nuzzles her neck. She plants a kiss on his forehead and they giggle together. My heart aches and grows at the same time, all the broken pieces mending at the sight of her and at the sight of them.

"Leo… Come here I want to get a picture of you…" A lean Hispanic man holding a camera waves him over and he wiggles out of his mother's grasp, smiling broadly calling out the man as Ana waves to him.

"Coming Papi!"

_"My name is Christian by the way… named after a lion…"_

Everything starts to spiral in my head as it all clicks into place. I have a son, this beautiful boy in mine. She even named him after me in a way. And why the fuck is he calling another man Papi?

_"Hi Jose… Oh my god… right now…Five minutes apart… I don't know if I can make it in time I am in Seattle…Yes…okay… yes… I am leaving right now… you tell our girl to hold on until I get there…yes… I said I am leaving right now… okay… bye…"_

_"I am so sorry Mr. Grey but I have to go, my best friend is having a baby like right now. I am her coach so I have got to get out of here."_

Katherine Kavanagh is Ana's friend Kate, it all starts to make sense and I feel sick to my stomach. This is why she was not at graduation because she had just given birth the week before.

_"June…I can't wait. Kate says…"_

_"Kate?"_

_"Oh sorry my roommate… Kate… she says that graduation is a rite of passage… I really don't care for all the pomp and circumstance but I really want the diploma. I will be the first person in my family."_

"Christian, there you are brother." Elliott yells across the yard snapping me out of my racing memories and all heads turn to me, but my gaze is fixed on her as if the world has stopped and she and I are the only two people on it. Her blue eyes widen in shock as she sees me for the first time. She takes a huge step towards me as if she wanted to run into my arms but the panic, anger and sadness sets in and she takes two steps back. Everything is a blur as I am greeted by Elliott and Kate, her brother Ethan and Mia. They start talking to me but I can't even process a word they are saying until Kate grabs Ana by the arm pulling her into my proximity.

"Ana, this is Elliott's brother Christian and Christian this is my best friend and Maid of Honor Anastasia Steele." She extends her hand and I take it in mine and a rush flows through our bodies like water through a broken dam and in that moment we are both drowning.

"It's nice to meet you." My soul quakes at the sound of her voice because it is exactly as I remembered it to be. My cock jerks at the sound and I reminded what desire feels like, true desire. Her cheeks are a bright pink and she gnaws at her lower lip like she is angry at it. She pulls her hand out of mine and stands closer to the crowd.

"And this is Jose and Ana's son Leo." Jose is holding my son on his hip and extends his hand to me, he shakes it firmly and then perches her arm over Ana's shoulder. Leo looks at me with his head cocked to one side, his dark ginger colored hair in curls around his forehead and his pale grey eyes looking into mine. There is silence in my brain as I stare at the small perfect version of myself and for the second time in my life I know what love feels like.

Ana must sense the moment because she grabs Leo out of Jose's arms, making an excuse that it is time for his nap and with deft speed makes her way towards the house. I want to follow her, but Elliott starts talking about getting a photo of the three Grey kids together and I am shuffled towards the water so smile and say cheese for the camera.

* * *

She is leaning against the wall watching the party from a safe distance. Her hair is down now, falling in loose curls around her shoulders and she is sipping a glass of pink champagne from a long fluted glass. She looks older, some of her innocence has been lost, and I can see the pain and struggle of the last three years in her eyes. She knows I am watching her because she turns to me, her mouth opens slightly like she is seeing me for the first time and she shakes her head as I walk towards her, silently begging me not to.

"Ana, come dance with me." I take her hand in mine and pull her away from the wall until she resists me.

"No. I can't." A tear escapes her eye rolling down her cheek but she quickly wipes it away like it was never there at all.

"Please…just one dance." The soft chords of the piano begin to swell, a familiar song and she nods once allowing me to lead her on to the dance floor.

_…Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you._

_Shall I stay would it be a sin…_

I hold her in my arms, my hand at her waist her body pressed against mine and we sway together. She rests her head on my shoulder and takes a fist full of my jacket, I share her longing to be closer. I inhale the lost smell of her hair. Vanilla, amber and rose, just a hint of rose.

_…If I can't help falling in love with you…_

There is so much I want to say, so many words in the corners of my mind that will never find their way to my mouth or her ears. But for now just her being here is enough. I wrap both of my hands around her small waist and pull her as close to me as I can, her breath hitches as she looks up at me. Her eyes are as bright and blue as my memory.

"Christian…" Her voice is full of such pain that I feel a burning at the back of my throat. I press my lips to her temple and run my cheeks against hers.

"No… don't Ana… let's just dance. Okay." She nods once and rests her head against my shoulder once more.

_…Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling so it goes some things are meant to be_

_Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you…_

I can feel her start to shake and I know she is crying. She presses her palms against my chest and pushes me away. She looks around us and I know people are watching. Mainly because I have never danced with a woman in front of my family, I have never been touched the way Ana has been touching me in front of my family before. I can see the panic in her body language as she locks eyes with Kate and then Jose, shaking her head at them both.

_…Like a river flows surely to the sea. Darling so it goes some things are meant to be_

_Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you…_

She looks at me with sad eyes before turning on her heel and running into the house. Panic fills my chest as follow after her calling out her name. I can hear the gasps of the guest behind me and I couldn't give a fuck.

_…For I can't help falling in love with you…_


	4. Chapter 4

Okay guys... this chapter was fight... wow... I have reworked it a few times and I hope that I made the right decisions... Thank you all for your amazing reviews of the last chapter... I am thrilled that you all loved the song choice...

I am offering up a challenge for you guys in this chapter... CG mentions a song below that his mother used to sing to him. I would love to hear some suggestions based on what you guys have read so far... So please take to the reviews and let me know your thoughts as this song will be a HUGE part of the upcoming chapters...

Once again, you guys keep reviewing they way you have and I will keep writing... Thank you all for this amazing support...

And please follow me on Tumblr perhapsperhapsperhaps50. This week I posted a poem from CG's POV called When You Come. I will also be posting some photos and links to music and the Pinterest page! Tumblr is also a great place to ask me questions and find out when I plan to update... So come on and follow me!

XOXO PPP

Chapter 4:

There is a beauty in sadness and pain. People seldom realize this fact, but it is true. I have tied many a beautiful woman to my bedpost and elicited her pleasure through pain. I myself have been the recipient of such pain, the joy that came with the degradation and abuse. A familiar echo though my soul, reminding me of my past only this pain was of my choosing. I allowed it to happen to me and there was beauty in that, a raw powerful beauty. There was even a strange sort of beauty in my mother's death. The silence that surrounded her in those last seconds and the sense peace that came with it. Her final smiles and words known only to me, her last breath was whispered on my forehead. These moments are ingrained into my memory and haunt me in my dreams. But in my recollection of that final second of her life she never looked more beautiful or more whole even with all her fractures.

Years later in high school we were reading Hamlet and I was never so struck by a passage.

_…I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my father died…_

My mother was a flower that baked in the light of the sun but lacked the water for her roots and she withered away. I am quite the opposite, I am the seedless flower whose roots are drenched and clogged by the mud so deeply that it's leaves can't grow without the warmth of the light. Ana is that light.

I have never understood the idea of happiness; it is as foreign to me as the thoughts in Ana's mind as she runs away from me. Happiness is an unknown world of laughter and smiles that seem so unnecessary. I do have one small moment that I remember being truly happy. It's also one of my earliest memories, laughing with my mother in the early morning hours on a cold winter's day. I was nestled under her arm twirling my fingers in her hair. She was singing her morning song and would tickle my sides to wake me up because I was pretending to still be asleep. I can't remember the words to the song only the melody and I often find myself humming it or striking the notes on my piano. I have listened to the radio for ages in the hopes of hearing it again and knowing the words but it has yet to happen and I wonder if it was just a song she made up. I wonder if my musical talents come from her? I wonder if she had dreams that never came to fruition.

In that moment together I remember us being contented, just lying there with sleep in my eyes, the faint smell of cigarettes and strawberry shampoo in my mother hair and the gentle hiss of the radiator keeping the room warm. We were happy my mother and I, but the moment passed when her pimp came barreling through the door, still drunk from the night before, screaming about how there was nothing to eat. The next thing I remember I am being hauled out of the bed by my ankles and my head hitting the floor with a thud. After that it is just a long memory of pain and screaming. All those memories just blur together in my brain, as one long never ending beat down.

I never wanted or craved joy like most humans do, in fact the opposite was true. I actively repelled it. I have turned my eye away from smiling children, family vacations and connections with women. I find my pleasure in immersing myself into my business and risking my life in pursuit of adrenaline. I find my pleasure in fucking brown haired girls with sad lonely eyes and small delicate bodies. I don't know any other way really. It is hard wired into me on the base level of my personality. Seeing what I have seen and knowing what I know I just assumed that joy had no place in my heart or mind but then I saw her standing there in the sun and I knew I was wrong.

I chase after Ana through the garden and into the house. The adrenaline I seek is most certainly pumping though me as I watch her take the stairs two at a time. I feel like if I don't catch her before she reaches the top that she will be lost to me forever and the idea of that is abhorrent to me now. She has been lost to me for so long and I can't imagine ever recovering from seeing her today. And knowing that I have a child makes it so much more real and palpable. I never expected to feel such immediate unmitigated attachment to something so - flawless. Leo is perfection and a light shines out of him. To have your entire place in the world change in a single second and not be phased by it in the least was cathartic. I felt no fear or panic, no sadness or shame, only love and that something that only Ana could have given to me. Because she is the reason that I believe in the existence of my emotional heart, she is the reason why I am the man I am today.

I reach her the moment before her foot hits the landing, taking her hand in mine. I feel it once more, this pull and my soul shudders.

"Please, let me go." She whispers her voice on the edge of breaking. I hear someone call out her name from a distance and my stomach clenches. Her eyes go wide and she looks at me for what I believe to be help. Deep down I know the voice is that of Jose and I am happy to see that she wants to run from him too. I tighten my grip clutching her hand in mine and lead her down the hall way to my childhood room. She follows without resistance and I wrap my arm around her shoulder. She fits against my body as if she was molded and designed to be mine. The room is sparse to say the least but it is large and she looks so small standing there beside me. She pulls her hand out of mine and takes a few steps away from me leaning against the door, her lips pressed together in a hard line.

There is so much that I want to say to her, so many words and thoughts scattering in my mind and they remain tethered to the back of my throat. For the first time in my life I have no words only thoughts and regrets.

"God Ana I have missed you."

"Did you think about me? I mean I can't imagine that you did." She quickly wipes away a tear from her cheek and straightens her shoulders turning to me. She is harnessing her inner-strength and it is a site to behold. She has grown so much, her innocence lost and I am the one who stole it from her in a night I have thought about a million times. I am the reason for all of this. "I was there working at the bar for months and months just waiting for you. I would take extra shifts…Every time the damn door would open for weeks I would feel this jolt of excitement and every time I was disappointed. Then I just started to feel dread. This overwhelming dread and sadness. Like I had lost something so precious. So don't stand there and tell me that you missed me, because you had the means and the opportunity to find me and chose not to. I had no choice. All I could do is wait, and wait and wait."

"I thought about you every damn day." I said dryly, disgusted with myself. Angry that I let me delusions convince me that she moved on unscathed. Her jaw drops and she lets out a sardonic chuckle, full of disbelief.

"I doubt that… Because I thought about you every damn day and let me tell you, if there was even a hint as to where I could have found you I would have. I thought about your sadness and your eyes… I thought about how I felt when you touched my hand for the split second… I thought about how you felt inside of me… And when I held that fucking pregnancy test in my hand I imagined you next to me, sitting there telling me that everything was okay. That you loved me and that we would do this together. I have imagined you everywhere. The day I told my father that I was having a baby; you were there next to me. Every doctor appointment, every kick your hands were on my belly… And the day he was born was the hardest day of my life because you weren't there…When I dropped out of school and moved back to Montesano I knew that there was no hope left. I knew that I would never see you again. "

"Please just let me explain."

"No. NO! There is nothing to explain. Had we not crossed paths here, I never would have seen you again and I would have been fine. I made peace with it. I have moved on with my life…"

"Yes I noticed. You and Jose seem quite contented. I mean MY son calls him papi so…"

"Go to hell." The anger flares up in her eyes and it incites something inside of me.

"Does he believe that Leo is his?"

"You have some nerve; I don't have to justify my choices to you! I can't even believe this is happening right now. I need to go…"

"Damn it Ana, wait."

"Wait! I waited… I waited for weeks and months for you… and you never came. Did you even think of me? Even once… because I thought of you. Everyday. Everyday." Her chest is heaving and her voice is shaking, I reach out to touch her but she pulls away.

"Ana, I am so sorry."

"Sorry, why because you fucked me and never looked back or because I have ruined your day by being here? What are you sorry about? Are you sorry that cried and cried at the end of every shift because I had hope that you would walk through the doors. Every night I would lie to myself and say this is the night that Christian is going to come back for me, but you never did. I was so stupid." She rests her forehead in the palms of her hands as she tries to control her crying by taking a few long deep breaths.

"I thought I was doing the right thing – you were…"

"I was what? What was I? I was just a girl… right. When I found out I was pregnant it all because so real, because I knew I would have to lie for the rest of my life. I would have to lie to my friends and family and my child… How do you tell your father that you fucked a stranger in a bar and got knocked up? You can't. So you create a man and story, you create a lie that sounds like the truth and enough time passes and you start to believe it yourself. But then your son is born and looks like the truth. You hold him in your arms and the truth is looking up at you."

"So he is mine?"

"Are you kidding! Did you look at him? If I would have known I never would have brought him here…never. You mom took to him right way… Here I was thinking I was going to meet Elliott's gay brother Christian… That's the sad part, when they were telling me about you years ago… It was Elliott's successful gay younger brother Christian. I never thought it could have been you. But I had all these hopes that one day I would see you on the street or at the supermarket… And when I was in labor and Kate was far away – Oh my god – she was interviewing you, right…" She starts to laugh through her tears as I process all that she is telling me. Here I was thinking that I was doing the right thing for leaving her be but I could not have been more wrong. I can't form a word and all I am capable of is a nod "Well that's just fucking perfect. I need to go… I need to get my son and go home."

"Ana, please let's just calm down and talk."

"Fuck you, calm down. I don't want to calm down. I have been calm Christian for years. I quit school, moved back home with my dad, I work at bank, I am raising my son. I am the picture of calm. So I don't have to be clam now with the man who fucked me and knocked me up okay." She turns the door knob and opens it slightly. I lunge at her slamming it shut with the flats of both my palms. I have her sandwiched between the door and my body and I never want her far away from me again.

"Stop saying that." I growl harsher then I intended and I can see her recoil a bit in fear.

"Stop saying what!?"

"That I fucked you, I didn't fuck you Ana. You were and will always be the first and only time I have ever made love to a woman." She swallows hard and we are both breathless.

"And you were and have always been the only man I have ever made love to." I can tell she wants to take the words back as quickly as they came. But I am thrilled that they have reached my ears. There have been no others and I wish I could tell her the same thing. Joy, just joy there is nothing bites her lip and breaks her eyes away from mine. I place my hands on either side of her face bring her back to my gaze.

"Jose…"

"He is my friend, Leo's godfather…Jose calls his father Papi and one day Leo started calling him that and I didn't have the heart to stop him."

"And there has been no one else?"

"No, how could there be? How could I? When I had you with me here?" She places wraps her hands around my wrists and pulls both my hands over her heart. "But that was a fantasy and you are not. I love the fantasy but I hate the man." Her voice has turned bitter and she pushes my hands off her chest. This is what I deserve her hate, her anger. She tries to slip past me but I push her back against the door, holding her there by her shoulders. She struggles against me pushing at my waist.

"You can't hate me anymore then I hate myself." I flex my hips in to her and she is pinned, no room for her to move even an inch. "Which is why I stayed away from you day after long day. All the endless nights thinking about you. Trying to forget you. Trying to replace you. All the hours spent trying not to think about you. All the pain and the loss of not hearing your voice and see your face, touching you, tasting you that was my penance. I thought of you every moment of every day." I can't bear it for another moment as I crash her mouth into mine. I have thought of this for a thousand days and the moment is more then I ever expected it to be. I remember every crevice of her mouth, her breath, the moan the seeps out of her throat. I feel whole and at peace. I feel happiness and it is not just a memory. I feel my cock tighten and stretch as it mirrors the activity of my heart. I know one thing to be true – That I love this woman. I have loved her from the very first moment I laid eyes on her and if I had it my way she would never bet out of my sight again. But I never really get what I want.

She pulls her mouth away from mine and slaps me across the face with the full force of her small body behind it. After years of taking beating and training with Claude it is no more than a bee sting. What really hurts is her rejection.

"Don't you ever kiss me again! Ever. Do you think that I am that same stupid naive girl I was three years ago? Do you think that a look or a touch from you could reduce me to fall at your knees? Do you think I would ever allow you to touch me ever again! I never want to see you again… I know that Elliott and Kate's wedding will make that impossible… but that does not change the fact that I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for never coming back for me and I hate that you are here today. Now let me go Christian. Let. Me. Go." There is a loud banging on the door and I can feel the vibrations flow through Ana's body into my hands.

"Ana!" I hear a man's voice all out her name and then a woman's voice, maybe Kate. Elliott calls out my name next and I know there is an audience on the other side of the door.

"Christian please let me go…You're hurting me." I release my vie like grip on her shoulders and take a few steps back. Ana opens the door with tears in her eyes. There is a rush of activity around me, Kate and Elliott, my mother and father surrounding me, a million questions being asked. I watch as Ana is wrapped up in Jose's arms and shuffled down the hall way.

"What the fuck Grey?" Kate is right in my face, her eyes blazing fire in full Domme mode. I sit at the edge of my bed and I can't even process all I am feeling. All I know is that Ana is leaving with my son and another man and I can't allow that to happen. I stand quickly and everyone in the room takes a step back.

"Ana… Wait." I lunge towards the door but Elliott and my father hold me back. I fight against them but my mother closes the door and stands in front of me.

"Let her go Christian. I don't know what is going on but let her go. You don't want to upset her son." Fuck. Leo… Leo is all that matters. He is old enough to remember the way that I was. The idea that he would be afraid of me, or damaged by my actions is the emotional equivalent to a tranquilizer. My body immediately relaxes and after a few moments Elliott and my father release the grip.

"Cary, Elliott, Kate… Give me a few minutes alone with my son." I feel my knees start to shake as the adrenaline wears off. I sit back down on the edge of the bed just on the edge of my sanity.

"Mom I don't want to hear it."

"Honestly I don't care what you want… That boy, that beautiful boy of Ana's… He is your son isn't he?" All I can do is nod and watch as the smile spreads across my mother's face.

"When he walked in the house today, my heart stopped. I felt like the clock turned back thirty years and there you were. My little red headed boy…" She sits beside me on the bed and rests her hand on my knee. "You didn't know?"

"No, not until I saw him."

"And Ana?"

"It's a long story but she was a one night stand…"

"I see… That didn't look like a one night stand when you were dancing tonight."

"No, I am sure it did not."

"You love this girl don't you?"

"Yes."

"Well then you need to make this right Christian. I don't know but you make this right."


	5. Chapter 5

Hello readers! It's Sunday and I made a promise to post one of my stories on Sunday around 9:00est... I had intended to post a chapter of The Magic of Fifty Shades but I could not get this idea for EOTN out of my head.

Like I have said before the reviews have really fueled my desire to continue with this story and the last chapter had the least amount of reviews so far... So if you like it and you want me to continue... please review!

To all of you reviewing and reaching out to me on Tumblr to keep going with this story THANK YOU so much! I think you are all the reason I had to write this today! Oh and let me know what you would like to see next Sunday... Security, Magic or Fifty Ways at perhapsperhapsperhaps50 on Tumblr or on Facebook or Twitter...

XOXO PPP

Chapter 5:

E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E…Over and over again I hear these notes in Ella's voice. They play in my head, haunting me like a ghost that I can't see but I can hear. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face and my mother's breath on the back of my head as she sings. I can see the dust floating in the air and hear the cars and traffic below us. The fact that I can't remember the words makes me fucking insane. I close my eyes and try to hear her voice but it never works. I tap my finger on my thigh, mimicking how I would play them on the piano.

E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E… E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E…

I feel Grace's hand on my shoulder and she gives me a small tentative kiss on my cheek. I feel numb as she leaves the room. She is a calming force and when she is gone the calm leave with her. Grace urging me to make it right with Ana is good advice, it is the only advice but I have no idea how to do it. I have never in my life been at a loss for what to do next. I have always had everything so planned and placed, every move, every decision and every action was crafted. Life is a game of chess and I am the master of the board. I can anticipate every move and counter accordingly. Every action has an equal reaction and I always knew what it was going to be. Until today. Today was a game changer. Nothing will ever be like it was and I can feel the spiral begin. My thoughts take over, mixing and merging until I can't separate one from the other. Words and voices screaming in my head things that have been said and things that have not. I run my fingers through my hair and scratch at my scalp trying to stop the marathon race in my mind. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!

E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E… E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E… E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E… Breathe…

I stand up and pace around a bit and then I am drawn to the window in my childhood bedroom. I see Ana standing there below me; she is glowing under the lights in the driveway, the night and darkness surrounding her. Ana hugs Kate and Elliott; she shakes her head no as if to tell them she does not want to explain what has just happened. How could she ever explain? Kate wipes a tear off Ana's cheek and I understand the power of their bond in that small gesture and remember how quickly Kate abandoned an interview she had worked a year for just to be there for her friend. Jose stands stoically beside her, his face as confused as the rest of the crowd. My son is asleep on his shoulder holding a small stuffed animal and sucking in his thumb.

E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E…

When I was a boy I used to suck my thumb too. I remember always being hungry, I didn't understand really what hunger was but I remember a hollow pain in my belly and how the gentle act of suction somehow eased that feeling to where I could fall asleep. As I grew older and the pain from the burns and bruises would keep me up I started to chew on my nails until then bled. One pain was the distraction from the other and chewing my nails was a pain of my choosing. I look down at my hands and they don't look like my own, they are trembling, a potent mix of fear and adrenaline.

E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E…

I stare at my shaking hands for a moment and then I hear the engine of a car start and watch as Ana drives away. I know now how she felt that night when I left her in the bar. Rage… All I feel is emptiness and a rage that I have never felt before. I can hardly contain it, I feel as if my skin is pulling away from the muscle, the bones breaking into tiny shards imbedding themselves into my flesh. I can feel my organs shutting down and calcifying inside of me as everything slowly bleeds out and dies.

I feel small and weak. It is worse than any pain I have ever endured and suddenly my room feels so fucking small I can hardly stand to be there. I can hear my own heart beat as the blood pumps in my ears and I am fighting the urge to scream. I tear out of the room and fly down the stairs, my destination is unknown but I feel like I need to follow Ana. I need to find her and tell her all the things I should have said that night in the bar. I need to make her understand that she has dominated my thoughts and dreams for the past three years and that everything that I have done in that time has been because of her. I need her to see why I stayed away, that I believed I was doing what was best – for her. I want her to know that if I knew about Leo, I would have done things differently because the last thing I would ever want to be is like my father. I make it to the foyer with a renewed purpose to somehow make it right. The truth. I love Ana, I loved her for the moment that my eyes locked on her. I have loved her in every breath and every moment since and that is never going to change. I know that I will never be happy in this life until Ana is mine and Leo knows that I am his father.

"Christian what is the world is going on?" I hear Elena's voice from behind and my body tightens at the sound. I turn on my heel and she is a few inches away from me. "I mean really, didn't I teach you be discreet in all things? What a spectacle you just made of yourself. They entire party is talking about you and that girl." She admonishes me, shaking her head from side to side. When I was her sub it was this tone she would use to bring me back into submission. "Control. Focus. Power. Have you forgotten all that I have shown you? Perhaps you need a reminder!" Her stance changes, her shoulders high and wide, her hips flex in my direction and her jaw is tight. This moment has been coming for years, the moment where my Dom meets her Domme and I am more than ready in my current state of mind.

"A reminder of how you beat and fucked me when I was a boy Elena. No trust me I have not forgotten. I remember every moment of it and my stomach turns at the thought. You are the reason I am so fucked up." She tips her head back a laughs a harsh throaty laugh, the evidence of all her years of smoking clear.

"You were fucked up when I met you dear boy. I saved you. I shaped you. Everything you have and will every have is because of me. Don't. You. Forget. It." She reaches out to touch me and I grab her wrist quickly twisting it behind her back. She grimaces in pleasure not pain and I release her just as quickly.

"Fuck you Elena, you are a sick twisted bitch. Yes I was a fucked up kid, but you are the reason I am a fucked up man. You made me in your image. And maybe you're right maybe all I have is because of what you taught me but you know what I don't have… A life…Love… a family that knows me… I have money and things… but I don't have a life. I have an existence. All those years you had me fooled. You made me believe that fucking you was as close to love I would ever get."

"Love, family… What has gotten into you? Power, money, sex… that is what you need and that is what I gave you. So please stop trying to convince yourself that I am the bad guy here. Do you think that little brown haired girl and her red headed son would love you if they knew who you really are Christian? Do you think Grace and Carrick and the entire Grey Clan would open their arms to the monster that lives inside of you?"

"Yes! Yes we would Elena." I feel my mother presence and the hair on the back of my neck stands up. I turn and see that my entire family, including Kate are standing in the door way beside us. The shock and horror is apparent and I fight the urge to run. Instead I just stand there and watch as my mother storms up to Elena and slaps her across the face with a ferocity I never knew she possessed. Elena lets out a squeal and takes a step back stunned. I know she is used to pain but public humiliation is new to her.

"If you ever step foot into this house again Elena, I assure you it will be the last thing you ever do."

"Grace please you are over-reacting." The red mark of my mother's hand print is practically glowing on Elena's check and I can't help but feel a small amount of joy in that fact.

"Over reacting! You have been fucking my son in mind and body; I am under reacting right now. Get out of my house!" There is a moment where I think Elena is going to stand her ground but then she eyes the Grey Clan chewing at the bit and makes her way to the door.

"When the truth comes out and they all turn their back on you my Pet… You know where you can find me." I cringe at the use of a name I would much rather forget and feel immediate relief when she slams the door behind her. I am on over load; this day has been too fucking much. One fucking wave after another crashing down on me and here comes another one as my family descends upon me. There questions all blur into one and I can't stand it another second.

"Elliott give me your car key!"

"What?"

"Give me your fucking keys…"

"Christian… it's a Jag… and a stick… when was the last time you drove a stick?"

"Yes, I am aware I bought it for you on your birthday, and I fly a helicopter for fucks sake now give me the fucking keys." He tosses them to me and I catch them in my left hand and barrel out the door to my mother calling to me from behind. I drown out the sound and all I hear is music.

E…B…E…B…A…F# minor, E…

* * *

The white XKR-S GT is sitting in the driveway, it's technically not available yet but I made a few phone calls and got one just in time for his birthday. Well, Andrea made a few phone calls. I slide in and turn the key, the 550 horsepower engine purrs and I know that I can take this from 0-60 in about four seconds. Yes this is exactly what I need to be doing right now. Driving hard and fast.

The roads that surround my parent's home are winding and heavily treed. I open the windows, and let the wind and the night air creep in as I push my foot to the pedal and shift. Everything blurs around me and my mind is moving as fast as the car. Ana has suffered these years without me, going through her pregnancy all alone having to lie and hide not only who the father is but even the event of getting pregnant. How she kept that from Kate and her friends I have no idea. Lies have a way of eating you from the inside out, it consumes you like fire and one its starts there is nothing you can do to stop it.

_"When I found out I was pregnant it all because so real, because I knew I would have to lie for the rest of my life. I would have to lie to my friends and family and my child… How do you tell your father that you fucked a stranger in a bar and got knocked up? You can't. So you create a man and story, you create a lie that sounds like the truth and enough time passes and you start to believe it yourself. But then your son is born and looks like the truth. You hold him in your arms and the truth is looking up at you."_

I hate that I was not there the moment my son was brought into this world. I know nothing of my own birth, there are no pictures of me as a baby, not memories or mementos of my existence before I came to live with Carrick and Grace. All I have left of that time is the scars that splay across my chest, a few somber notes of a song I can't really remember and ever-present look of sadness in my mother's eyes. Sadly and most tragically I have even less of my son. I replay the moment I first saw him in my head.

The birch tress swaying in the wind behind me, the sound they made and how I saw him in the distance. His joyous laughter wafting over to me with the breeze, he sounded as happy and free as a bird in the sky. The way he spun around, the sun light catching his hair and the dizzy look on his face when his eyes found mine. I wonder if he knew who I was in the same way that I knew who he was. A calling of ones soul to another's. It was something I had never experienced before I saw Ana the first time and hardly understood even after hours of careful reflection. How is it that I have managed to avoid any meaningful connection and interaction and then all of a sudden I made one that affected my entire being? How is it that seeing a girl behind a bar in the middle of the night managed to unravel me so completely? There is really only one answer. Love. True love. I loved her enough to stay away dispute my growing need to be near her, to love her, to fuck her. I stayed away to keep her safe from me. I thought I was being honorable but in reality I was being selfish because I was the thing she needed most.

_"Do you think that I am that same stupid naive girl I was three years ago? Do you think that a look or a touch from you could reduce me to fall at your knees? Do you think I would ever allow you to touch me ever again! I never want to see you again… I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for never coming back for me and I hate that you are here today. Now let me go Christian. Let. Me. Go."_

She hates me, of course she does. I am the asshole that fucked her and left her pregnant and alone. I am the villain in her story, the same way my father was the villain in my mothers. History will always repeat itself. We are doomed and destined to become that which we hate. And I hate a man that I have never met, never looked in to his eyes or heard his voice, I don't even know his name. I hate man who beat me daily, burned my sadistically and allowed my mother to perish. They are the villains in my story, along with Elena a fact I am only now willing to admit.

I see headlights coming towards me, as they pass I can hear a man's voice yelling at me to slow down. Instead I just push harder and faster until I hit the highway, I weave in and out of traffic until I pull into the garage at Escala. I don't know what I am here or what drew me to this place but when the elevator doors open to my apartment it all becomes clear.

I make my way to servant's quarters and find Taylor and Gail on the sofa watching television, his arm is draped around her shoulder and her head rests in the crook of his arm. There is a peace and a comfort in their interaction, a stability that can only come with time and trust. They are shocked to see me because I never come to this part of the house. But I am on a mission.

"Taylor, where do you keep your tools"

"Excuse me Sir?" He stands up at attention with a puzzled look on his face.

"Tools, where do you keep them?"

"In the storage closet, in the gym. Why?" I don't have the time to answer, I just leave but I can hear his footsteps close behind. The closet is large and organized; my eyes dart around until I find what I am looking for. I am in a controlled rage; I can feel it bubbling under the surface of my skin just waiting to leach out. I wrap my hand around the wooden shaft of a twelve pound sledge hammer and after that all I see is red. The red walls of my play room and the bar that in built to fill the void that will never be filled. It all crumbles around me, shattered glass flying, broken splinters of wood, red satin sheets, various toys spread out on the floor. The secret of alcohol in the air burning my nose. I take every ounce of shame and hate, rage and regret out on this space until there is nothing left. If I could light a match to it all I would and gladly watch it burn.

I am breathless and can feel the warmth of blood trickling off my forehead. I think I remember a piece of mirror cutting into my flesh. My hands are numb, the knuckles purple. My shoulders and knees are sore, my abs are barely able to hold me up. I drop the sledge hammer, and rest my hands on my knees bracing my body and giving my lungs a chance to recover.

"Taylor." I look up, hands still on my knees and Taylors usually stoic face is etched with shock and concern.

"Yes Sir?"

"Have this mess cleaned up and get an NDA from whoever you hire. Call the real estate agent; put this place on the market. Have Gail pack all of my things and have them sent to the Fairmont Olympic. When are you two leaving on your trip?"

"Tomorrow evening Sir."

"Perfect, fill Sawyer in on all the details."

"Will do." He looks at me for a beat and takes a deep breath. "Are you alright Christian?"

"No. No I am not. But I will be."

"Elena Lincoln in officially on the no contact list." He smiles and nods once.

I walk out of apartment and into the elevator feeling like a weight has been lifted from my body. I know that this is a place that I will never return to and there is a peace in leaving it behind. The elevator doors open and I slide back into the XKR-S, pulling my phone from my pocket.

"Welsh. I need everything and I mean EVERYTHING you can find on an Ella Jane Ramsey and Anastasia Steele. S.T.E.E.L.E… also goes by Ana. I want it on my desk tomorrow morning, first thing." I hang up the phone throw it in the cup holder. I know now that my future and my past have collided in my present and I have no choice but to confront both head on.


End file.
